Saturday, February 7, 2009

Break Down

So many great things have been happening in my life. But me being the worry wort I am had a break down in the middle of the mall today. A little bit embarrasing I must say.

I have been sticking to my weight watchers this week, but jean shopping sent me over the edge. Its not like I had gone up in size. I guess I just figured oh I have been dieting a week I am probably already a size smaller lol. This thinking led me straight to disappointment, then anger, then tears.

I normally woudn't cry over something so trivial. It wasn't until we were back in the car that my mom, with much poking and prodding, got to the real problem. I realized that I was overwhelmed and putting too much pressure on myself.

I was settling back into my make life happen mode rather than my trust God's plan mode. I love making lists! I am an obsessive lister at times. The other day I made a list of the things I wanted in life. A clear picture of what each thing meant to me, and a rough timeline for when I wanted those things to happen. You know career, marriage, children, social circles, cars, houses, etc.

Today's break down helped me to realize something. Lists can help you define what you want and organize, but if your too eager to check off the list and you start trying to cross through things on your own before God says all falls apart. Its okay to lift those things up to God, and tell him what you want for your life, but he ultimately knows best. I know this, so why is it so hard for me to do?

I realized I was treating my list as a to do list. Fellow planners and listers understand that feeling you get when you don't check something off your list. I try to say its ok I will get to it tomorrow, but instead I usually lie there awake in my bed either A) feeling guilty I didn't get it done B) obsessing about when I am going to find time to do it or c) making another mental list in my head in which I add the unfinished item. None of the options are good.

The guilt makes me feel as if I have failed. The obsessing causes me to feel on edge and anxious not able to sleep. And the mental listing leaves me feeling as if I will never get done. Its no wonder with all that boiling inside me that I had a break down.

My advice is talk to someone. Your family, your friends, people at church. That's what they are there for, and they don't want you lying in bed trying to save the world on your own. Believe me after spilling all my worries and fears to my mom I felt a lot better. I am lucky to have someone much wiser and worldly to help bring me back down to earth.

I have another interview Monday at a event planning place as an education specialist. I am so excited they called me on Friday. The job sounds fun getting to help plan events, traveling, meeting speakers. It all sounds right up my alley. Say a little prayer!


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